As a retained forensic psychology expert, I was writing a report to assist the court with a sentencing recommendation. Once again, I found myself meeting an individual who had sold his legal and worldly soul with the belief that this next endeavor would resolve many of his current difficulties. Believing that when this new white-collar venture was successful, he would be happy, his family will be taken care of, and importantly his wife’s medical expenses for alternative care would be covered. There was no need in the moment to fully mourn the impact of his wife’s anoxia and a suicide in the family because in the future there was a “great big beautiful tomorrow.” Self-deception is always within grasp especially when one fails to learn from mistakes. His failures were attributed directly to the ill will of others. However, in his mind the next and newest venture held once again the hope of redemption.
We have all seen this before, a new partner, a luxury car, a different home, or a higher degree is seen as holding out the promise of obtaining once and for all true happiness. Deficits in the ability to love yourself, however, are not repaired through acquiring the material symbols of success. This approach is reinforced in busy families where the child hopes that their next achievement will result in parental attention and feeling loved. A life belief is not easily undone. The person I was interviewing had numerous accomplishments, athleticism, trophies, exemplary military service, plaques, degrees, inventions, successful businesses, and still his own life was disintegrating. As a byproduct, all those that were connected to this nuclear family had been damaged. He had no understanding of why anyone was angry in his home. Or the reasons why others throughout his life had wanted to pop his overinflated balloons. Others were malicious towards him, arising from out of their envy. During our conversation, he referred to his famous collaborators suggesting that through his associations with the famous, others resented him and wanted to bring him down.
Advertising frequently markets a dream that becomes reality upon purchase. The product is depicted with stylized images, stereophonic sounds, a suggest membership in a club where “you too will have it all” upon purchase. In this moment, the person in my office suggested with some confusion that they are flummoxed by how they ended up before this psychologist. It was a true bafflement. At their core, they believe that their stated goal was only honorable, and it was to assist others. They have no awareness of their own deficits or unmet needs.
One clue that a successful person has lost their way maybe revealed often during a vacation. These individuals find an audience, emphasizing the cost of the rare vintage wine, the Michelin rating of the chef, the exceptional view from this hard to book scenic spot, and the hot couture nature of their casual wear. This type of statements makes it evident that they are more about marketing than presence. They have now become a billboard or a glossy full-page advertisement. They are cartoonish, creating an image of happiness of the good life. Their own tenuous self-worth is thus established through comparison to others based on an inventory of their nonessential but costly and frequently photographed accouterments. They have created a worldwide post, a rendering that is distanced from the connections that sustain the heart. Unfortunately, the tools for self-deception are readily available. However, those that lead to self-awareness and honesty require constant practice and almost daily application. At least when this individual left our meeting, the why of how his life was unraveling was beginning to be understood.